HE SAID: Yankees Haircuts

So the Yankees have had some, well, interesting quaffs throughout the years. Much is made about the team’s policy under the Steinbrenner regime to control hair styles. For those who don’t know, that means no facial hair besides moustaches, and no long hair. Although it does project a nice corporate image, it has deprived Yankee fans of CC Sabathia’s gangsta chin strap, Randy Johnson’s gnarly mullet, and Jason Giambi’s gingerfied goatee from his Oakland days. Nonetheless, the Yankees have had their share of cool cuts, past and present. Here are some personal faves.

Current Yankees:
3. Girardi’s Clooney Look- Remember the sweet buzz cut Joe used to sport back in his playing days? That was great. It also matched his role on the team perfectly, as the catcher is a de facto Army General of the pitching staff. It seems that the skipper’s doo morphs with his position, as watching Girardi’s head is like watching Benjamin Button in rewind (or Jack in fast forward). As we stand today, Joe has the Clooney salt-and-pepper look going pretty well, but we all see where this is going. Basically he’s morphing from strong jawed player, into a grizzled manager right before our eyes. It’s been interesting to watch.

2. Gardner’s Bulbous Cranium- Those who have had the pleasure of seeing Mr. Gardner with his hat/helmet off can see why his hair is the anti-Girardi. It couldn’t be any less fitting that the rookie speedster is balder than the love child of Sinead O’Connor and George Bluth Sr. To exacerbate the problem, Gardner’s head is reminiscent of that of the cartoon character Brain from Pinky and the Brain. Lucky for him, it’s not too detrimental to his pursuit of the ladies since he is married, and even if he wasn’t, he plays center field for the New York Yankees (see Mickey Mantle’s sexual résumé).

1. Matsui’s Black Arches-Very few things make me smile more than watching Hideki Matsui futz with his hair. This man loves his locks. Matsui’s hair is stereotypically Japanese in that it’s strait and black. The kicker, however, is that he parts it in the middle, and wears symmetrical arches of hair in the front that conjures up images of the bowl-cut I had when I was six. The mere fact that he wears it this way is enough, but what makes it greater is that he shows it off at every opportunity, as if he is auditioning for the revival tour of his favorite group, the Beatles. When he puts his helmet on, he’ll kick his neck back to get his gorgeous locks out of the way like Ed Furlong did when he played John Connor in Terminator. When he used to play the outfield, he would frequently lose his cap chasing fly balls. Coincidence? Accident? I think not. Matsui tried to show his doo to the fans at the drop of a hat; literally.

Honorable Mention: Jeter’s High Fade

Past Yankees:
3. Sweet Lou’s Helmet-on-Helmet- Mr. Piniella is probably best known for his hot temper as a manager. As a player for the 70’s Yankees, he and Bucky Dent were known for their hot and sexy helmet-shaped hairdos that framed their heads into walking works of art. Although it fit the time period, Piniella’s hair put both Donny Osmond and Luke Skywalker’s to shame. And because I am somewhat terrified by both Lou, and the prospect of being beaten up by a man in his 60’s, I hope he is not reading this.

2. Maris’ Missing Chunks- Roger Maris famously began losing his hair in chunks while chasing Babe Ruth’s single season home run record back in 1961. Yikes. Talk about stress induced hair loss. Maris did break the record by hitting 61* jacks, and was awarded his second consecutive MVP. Unfortunately his Yankees career going forward fell faster than portions of his buzz cut did that September.

1. Rickey Henderson’s Jerry Curl- Oh baby. Just let your Soullllllllllll Glowwwww, let it shine through, let it shineeeeeee! Rumors that Henderson was asked to be Eriq LaSalle’s stunt double in Coming to America have never been confirmed, but he certainly had the mop to do so. Nobody loves Rickey like Rickey (rumors of him taking practice swings in front of a mirror while nude HAVE been confirmed). Rickey takes care of himself. He is a physical specimen, and the All-Time MLB leader in several categories. But the late 80’s while sporting the pinstripes, he seemed to take care of his hair more than anything.

Honorable Mention: Giambi’s Porn ‘Stache

EDITOR'S NOTE: I purposely omitted Oscar Gamble’s famous afro as its gloriousness has been well documented.

Fictional Yankees:
3. Steve Nebraska’s Long Locks- In the film The Scout, Brandon Fraser played a Yankees pitcher that curiously had long hair. Curious because it easily exceeded the length quota mandated by Mr. Steinbrenner at the time the movie was made. Additionally curious because Steinbrenner himself appeared in this film. If you’re already sharing my issues with the authenticity of this movie, you may want to skip the scene in the end where Nebraska throws an 81 pitch, 27 strikeout perfect game in the World Series, while belting two home runs that travel a combined 1200 feet long.

2. Jack Elliott’s Lip Caterpillar- In Mr. Baseball, the epic Tom Selleck gets traded from the Yankees to Chunichi Dragons of the Japanese League. What filmmakers don’t trade in was Selleck’s trademark moustache. Elliott uses his robust lip fur to lure a sexy Japanese minx into a bathtub with him. At this point we get to see Elliott’s full mane of chest hair, which is equally as seductive. Grrrr baby, very grrrr.

1. Clu Haywood’s Fu Manchu- The villain from Major League, Clu Haywood is rocking a mean, dirty fu Manchu. Played by statuesque former big leaguer Pete Vuckovich, Haywood spews both tobacco and hilarious insults such as “Taylor? They aint cut you yet? How’s your wife and my kids?”

Honorable Mention: George Costanza’s Baldie

And there you have it folks. Certainly a lot of great hairstyles from Yankees past, present and fake. Feel free to comment on those that didn’t make my list, as my compadre compiles a list of her own.